it's my fault

Today is maybe my first esplanade trip this year, and it feels great to go there!!The malay drama Sidang Burung is probably the best malay drama i've ever witnessed; professional and philosophical, each costume symbolizes something, each line of action symbolizes another thing, and even better, a path symbolized as a person..I didnt expect such great beauty in the play, hahaha..Art is very interesting i wish i have the capabilities to spend without thinking, then i would've bought all the tickets for dans festival, any plays i'm interested in, any concerts i would love to go. Sadly it's not that way. Sadly, i can't get to enjoy the breeze by the bay more often.
Anyway, i met a ghost today. I was shocked cos it was unexpected. And I havent seen her for more than half a year, so it took me a while to recognise her. But she didnt look at me also, so i guess it's fair for me not to greet her. Not that i'm trying to be cold, it's just my usual cold. But the super loud 'i didn't see!!!' was super duper ultimate unglam!!!hahaha, as expected from the ghost. =p
But seriously, i dont choose to come on friday for no reason. I chose to go on friday cos i thought most likely they'll be going on saturday, so why not avoid seeing ghost when my point of coming here is to enjoy art?hahaha, come to think of it, i never really know the reason. prediction of my a level result, the need to want to be alone, prediction of where i would be in the future, my sister, christin, parental pressure, grandparental pressure. there were so many things that happened at the same time, and i was too noob to understand what long distance is, too blunt that i concluded the gloomy future myself. but i'm not gonna blame it on anyone. and i know i'll never ever ever forgive myself for this.

20

Today, i turned 20..And the number of ppl who wished me is my personal best record. i must say i'm deeply grateful to have such great friends around me. But i find one thing really odd. Of all the friends i used to have, there are those that have never met me for 4 or more years and still wished me birthday. But there is one, used to be my western-dance cca mate, used to be my njc friend, used to be special to each other, that i find quite strange in a sense. I mean it wont make my day if she wishes me cos obviously, there is nothing wrong with still acknowledging your friend's birthday. It's not like i will start thinking of funny things like oh mi god, she still cares for me, bla3 all that shit. I mean, all those that were close to me in western dance still remembered me. and they still acknowledged me. except for this one. It's not like i die die wish her to say some words to me, it's just..odd..like what have we become now?are we even friends?isnt there nothing wrong with being friends again after a couple breaks up or something?I know i might have disgusted her, i might have made her feel super sick of me, but looking at the whole picture, and judging the past as the whole picture, shouldn't we have grown up and start to recognize each other as friends again?
I do respect her relationship. and i do understand that she wants to be loyal and devoted as much as she could. but, whatever man, i am running out of time to think of the way i think when i was 19. if she wants the 'friend' status to be there just for decoration sake, then so be it. i have a lot of other friends to appreciate than just her alone. and i am so not gonna let one isolated incident, one isolated person that no longer appreciates my existence in this world,to ruin my day.
I am twenty now, i am not gonna live the way i lived my nineteen years old..

yesterday was a wonderful day

She used to tell me she’ll never regret the relationship cos the good things overwhelm the bad ones. But I will never understand why she is always that cold when she talks to me now. I try my best to divert my attention, indulging in all the busyness I can find. Yet, the busier I am, the more stress I accumulate, there is always the thought of leaning to someone, holding on to someone. But this is not the time to be weak.

And yesterday was a wonderful day. I always love to walk around ntu when it is past midnight, cos it is so peaceful when there is no one around. I hear only the sound of cracked leaves and the gustling wind. And occasionally, I see pigs crossing the nanyang crescent. But yesterday was a perfect one. Nothing beats running around the whole campus in rain. For that one moment, I had a rush of what I have been feeling for this whole year. It was dark. Albeit how unwise it is, I’ve chosen a path. I chose to run. It felt as if the raindrops bleached my entire skin, an astute pain. I was panting, I was about to give up. But then again, I remembered that I am the one who chose the path. I chose to be in the storm, I chose the unwise choice. Nevertheless, the path is not finished. No matter what happens, I need to believe. Believe that I will reach the finish line. I will reach my room. The path was steep, windy, cold, obscure. Nonetheless, the path has its end. Every step requires a great fight, but every step reached is a progress. The finish line is there, comfortable room sheltered from darkness, stormy wind and the tormenting rain. I need to get out of this wretchedness. I ran hard, cos it was very painful. I ran harder, cos it was very painful. I ran the hardest I could, cos it was utmost painful. Finally I reached the finish line. I was wearied, lethargic, I was drained. No one to lean to, no one to hold on to. But yesterday, I became stronger.

I guess I am not ready for a new leaf. I am not prepared to tell someone the 2^nd last thing I would want to happen in this world is for her to cry. I am not prepared to tell someone that her smile is the 2^nd prettiest smile I’ve ever seen. Besides, I don’t know when I’ll get something of my possession back, recover and fix that hole, but I guess, it is not the time to indulge into the weak side . It’s not the time to ponder into feelings. It’s time to regain focus. It’s time to stop wasting my life.