2014
2014 is a year of lemons. it's been a year replete with tests. Truthfully speaking, 2013 ended so well i am still shell-shocked at how 2014 has taken me aback up to now. I just didn't expect that my life could take a turn as extreme as it could. From a happy, settled life that I had because of my job satisfaction, security, happy single life, happy family life, happy friends and happy companies, it turned sour in just a blink of an eye. Happy became a word so scarce I barely remembered what it means to be feeling it. Or maybe, just feeling in general.
Pessimistically, I could go on and on about how life has been cruel to me so far, but I will try to recall whatever happened in a more objective point of view and reflect on the lessons I could learn from this experience. After all, this helps me to gain more emotional wisdom. or let's just assume so.
Patience, Determination. As stressful as my job could get, it's never been as stressful as this for the past half a year. With things going well in the company, there is constant increasing expectations. KPIs and house rules are added at an insane pace at one point of time, they were being added daily. While they are achievable and doable, I felt like I was losing the sense of liberty in the job. I felt like we are just a bunch of robots, programmed to do the same damn set of things, using the same damn set of skills, to approach customers. It contradicts so extremely with my idea of how sales should be, where our unique personality should matter the most. It is our ability to connect to customers, the fluidity in our actions that can be translated to customers' trust and eventually, sales.
Yet, I was forced to do the things that I hate doing. While I've always managed to hit my monthly sales target almost every month, I have yet to win any best salesperson yet for this year. That's because the KPIs that I don't consider as necessary were being judged as equal importance, diminishing the significance of sales and sales growth as its main KPI. It's not that I mind that I have yet to win; I just wish that I can enjoy work as how I had in the past. I guess sometimes, changes just don't seem to be going the way you always want it. It makes it extra hard to be patient and to keep myself motivated at work. I've been trying, but I certainly hope I can be better at it.
Sadness, Loss. For the first time in my life, I lost someone I hold dear to my heart. It felt strange at first, not knowing how to feel, what to do. But then it kicked in after a while. The thought of not seeing her anymore for the rest of my life. The thought of being overjoyed of hearing her traveling back to Medan every single year to stay with us for days and months. The thought of her being a grandma. I actually miss her nagging, I miss her looking for action series to watch. I miss her. And I was just thinking of visiting her back in June period when I knew that her condition had deteriorated. But none of us expected to come as soon as April. My visa wouldnt even be approved in time for me to visit her before funeral. And so, for the first time in my life, I prayed the hardest for someone else other than me. I hope she rests well by God's side in eternal peace.
And apparently, it was not just my grandma that was taken away from me. It was one of my best friends too. The Airasia plane that she was on when she was travelling back after Christmas went missing and it was later found out that it had crashed into the sea. It is heart-wrenching for not just her, but for anyone that has to go through this kind of tragedy to leave this world. I still remembered her saying that she was going back home for a short holiday before coming back after Christmas to prepare for school. She was such a dedicated, talented, humble and cool friend. Even though we don't talk much, she is the kind that I can always connect with any time, any day. And I'm glad we had the short trip to HCM just in October. It was great catching up with her, and all I could do now is to remember her through the memories we went through for the past 11 years we spent together in Singapore. IP, NJC, HCIBS, Capsa. Nobody lives on forever, but the good memories I have with her will be remembered forever. It was such an emotional trauma I became paranoid whenever I am taking flights or my friends are. I wanted to dedicate a choreography for her for DTT 15 with the song hotel ceiling, but I seriously could not find the courage to do so. But anyway, I'll always miss you, Tina.
Unrequited love, pain. As I thought of what to type for this section, there were many moments where I sent chills down my own spine because well, how I felt would sound very cheesy when it's put into words. But I really want to pen down all these thoughts and feelings because one day, I would want to be able to look back and laugh at how stupid I am. How stupid to love a good friend's (ex)girlfriend. And I'm not in the mood of denying myself the simple pleasures of saying true things; so as mortifying as it sounds, here it goes.
Long ago, probably I had unconsciously realised that she is someone who would come to mean so much to me. So much so I am willing to do, say, gag, sacrifice myself just so that she could live each day just that little bit better. Even if that means I'm crapping out excuses most of the time; to aid her, to make her feel better, or to just be right beside her. Even if that means I'll die a little more inside with each passing day, knowing that the 1000 things that I do for her won't make her as happy the 1 thing that he does for her. I had to choose this path. But it's been about 8 years since I could last remember the essence of this feeling. The simple flutters of joy when I see that smile. The existence of happiness denied when a day goes by without seeing her.
Last year, everything was fine. She was. And so I was. Unexposed, unexpected, there was no circumstances that made my heart feel as much because the brain was functioning well. Then the turns of events came, sucking her out of her life, stealing away her smiles, filling her with sadness, tears, and hardships. And that's when I realised that she is, and always has been, my interior decorator. Because whenever she smiles, the entire room became beautiful. Unfortunately, she was robbed away from it. My heart sank so deep witnessing her crumble in pain I wish I have the right, I wish I have a fucking way to make her feel better. If I could, I would have dived down to hell and rescued her from the depths of agony. But I am no one.
Honestly speaking, to this date, I am still quite amazed by how she resembles my mom. The crazy amount of chilli she eats, the strength and independence she possesses, her oldies song choice, her nose problems, the list goes on. I know what I am doing is a suicide, because the more I do things for her, the more attached and hurt I'll be eventually. Yet I couldn't help it but to offer to send her to school in the early dawn, just so she could catch that extra 15 mins of sleep (she is sleep deprived because of the amount of lesson plans she had to make). I couldn't help it but to offer to accompany her each night, each day, just so she could find the motivation to fight on (as I prioritised everyone and everything else later). I couldn't help it but to constantly bring her snacks, food, vitamins, nuts, cupcakes, lemon tarts, supper in hopes that she could find these little little gestures encouraging and just simply, smile.
I know I am nothing to her. And I am trying my best to not expect anything. I guess she kind of knows that I treat her specially because of personal reasons. Well, if there is one, I would say my personal reason is to be a rainbow to her. I may not be there for forever; I am distant and insignificant to her heart. But I hope when I am there, I can add a little color to her life, or at least help to brighten her day just a little bit.
And as much as I want to scream and shout being so frustrated and helpless at this, I know I am the only one who needs to stop feeling, and start thinking. The brain has to work a lot harder than this, and stop caring so much for her. And it's about time. To stop grieving on unrequited love. Stop being in pain.
Glory, Honor. I participated in this competition called Super 24 and for the first time, NTU MJ managed to clinch top 3 in a national competition. I couldn't feel any more prouder being part of the team, being able to contribute to help bring MJ to greater heights and to show to the rest of the institutions that MJ can do something. MJ is not just a family, but we also strive to improve and dance our hearts out. Come to think of it, MJ has been a huge part of my uni life. So much so I've sacrificed almost all my free time to dance, to fill in for MJ performances, to do adhoc or behind the scene things and help as much as i could. Winning this competition makes me feel that all the sacrifice is worth it. Standing on the stage with full applause from the audience is one of the best feelings in this world. This is not one of those moments, but it was still one of the best feelings. To know that the international judges recognised us as a group with great dynamics and to give us a good score, I can only imagine the endless amount of butterflies that were in my stomach during that moment.
I don't regret joining the competition and I'm glad i was given the chance to. I hope I will still be able to dance in the future and the express my feelings through movements. Sometimes words are just not enough and to me, dancing is a very powerful way to convey my emotions.
posted by kai @ 11:47 AM
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