V day = 1 day

Recently, there have been many friends asking me questions like 'Are you alright? you look tired', 'you've quieten down a lot these days, what happened?' . They told me i have that drained, exhausted look on my face, and i look different compared to my JC times. I stared at the mirror, thinking i could see something different. i couldn't find what they saw. Probably, after all, life is just tiring. Probably, after all, life has been bitter for the past one year.

Valentine's day this year was great. I had a general consensus with myself that every one day before Valentine, it's alright for me to engage in self-destructive mode. So, there i was, in the middle of the starry night, wearied of endless dance practices, and calmly sitting by the lake nearby. With alcohol on my left and phone on my right, i blasted music to my ears. It felt good, getting drunk, crying, shouting. It felt good trying to sense a heart that has lost its beat. That day, i knew that that mistake i did, exactly one year ago, will be remembered for a long long time.

When i was diagnosed to have the lowest range possible for human's antibodies last year, I felt enlightened. At least i knew why i cant stand the sun, why i barely had energy to walk when i'm sick. But i was secretly expecting something else. I wanted a chronic disease. Heaven or hell, i didnt mind seeing any.

Come to think of it, I'm glad that my wish wasn't fulfilled. One valentine's day is nothing special. But one day passed, is special for me. Because all i need in the world for now, is not love. I need time, to heal.