silence of the day

Of the days since i arrived, it's the only day where i don't have any activity, aka bored to death. It is good in a way that i get to reflect on a lot of things that have happened since this year started. And i found it a bit uncomfortable that i've actually been smiling just for the sake of smiling.
It looks good on camera, it looks good to other people, it helps to fit in with the rest, and supposedly it helps to convey happiness. I couldn't remember the last time i lived in such a gloomy world, but it seems that happiness has been a rare commodity, the price set so high there are only certain circumstances a few people can afford it.
Why is it that the price is soaring high?
Is it cos i have had a very hard, tiring, gloomy, empty life for the first half of the year such that i've regarded happiness as an alien word to me?I dont know either.
Even in the midst of nostalgic class outing, the super fun gathering of my new indon gang, the frequent coming across of my medanese friends, i feel lonely. I sit down in that darkest, crooked corner of my mind, and i let my imagination spread its wings. I smoke, i drink, i shower in the rain. I screw this life, i throw my life.
While life has so many meanings waiting to be found and to be fought for, I, unconsiously or not, stop searching and stop fighting for them. I float, going through routines of the days like a dying lotus in the winter. Probably, the lotus wants its already hollow life to end?
I dont think this is solely because of an aftereffect of that one special person, it's just a complex entity that results in this state. But i dont need someone to save me. I dont need a hero.

-but i guess i will constantly live well, you have already left far away, i will also slowly walk away.
I really do not have the talent to, wont become silent this fast. But i will force myself to leave,i will learn to give you up, because i love you too much-